Red's Attempt At Coherence

I Know You, I Walked With You Once Upon A Dream

2009-11-26T02:08:00.000-08:00

I was clinically depressed around 1.5 years ago. It has gotten easier to share this with other folks, though I can't say the same for those who are just learning this about me. I think people find it difficult to fathom the smiler Red to have gone through a bout of severe melancholy.

Well, I did.

I find myself often coping with potentially awkward situations by making it intentionally awkward; in some odd way it makes me feel I'm put back in control of the moment. I think I do the same when it comes to disclosing my experiences with depression to those who care to listen. Over the years I've learned to accept so many facets of my identities, own them, and flaunt them, that I think I just figured it would be the best way to deal with that moment of my life. I own it, I flaunt it, in hopes that when people see my smiling face they would realize that no one is immune to sadness. I do it in hopes that the stigma surrounding mental illnesses in general could, I hope, be broken down one sharing at a time.

My narrative on depression will have to wait. It deserves a whole other (and probably multiple) entry to itself.

But for now, I wanna share a list I made of things I like. A dear friend of mine pulled the friendship card on me, and forced me to accept other people's help -something I've always found hard to ask for. I can't help but feel that in some way, if he hadn't taken up the responsibility to stay guard and watch over me (and yes, even though it got real difficult sometimes, and even when he had shit to deal with himself), then I might not even be here today.

My friend advised me that one of the things he does when things seem bleak, when that self-loathing turns into an endless cycle of gloom, is to write down a list of things that I like. And when I ever feel particular down, or am struggling to get out of bed, to bust out that list and do one of the things on it as a goal for the day.

So here's my list! In no way does this encompass everything that makes me smile. I wrote this down when I was in a painful place, and found it particularly hard to remember what made the world go round for me. In any case, it's always a work in progress.

In no particular order:

1. volleyball
2. running
3. being silly
4. making people laugh
5. making things to decorate
6. singing
7. imagining
8. climbing
9. adventuring/exploring
10. family
11. taking pictures
12. hiking
13. swimming
14. chocolate (esp. nutella)
15. mangoes!!!!
16. the color blue
17. drawing
18. milk
19. fantasy
20. X-Men
21. animals
22. cleaning (my mess)
23. video games
24. friends
25. volunteering
26. friends
27. love
28. smiling
29. disney songs (and movies)

Happy Turkey (or Tofurkey, as I was called out on earlier this afternoon) Day, everyone! Of the many things I'm grateful for, one of them is definitely still being alive. =D

I Read Somewhere That Life Is What Happens To The Plans You Try To Make

2009-11-03T20:03:00.000-08:00

(edit: I felt it would be fair if I let people know what this entry is about. It's about mortality and death. I don't think it's too depressing since it's not what I was going for, but some subjects are inevitably gonna elicit a solemn mood, if not reverence, for the topic)

The midterms season this quarter collectively felt like the most stressful one yet for most of the people I know. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but for the most part the stress and anxiety most people felt stemmed from outside the academic realm; midterms and exams only exacerbated it.

I have been thinking about my own mortality lately. I've been thinking about it not in the morbid kind of way, but framed more around the idea of making my brief moment here in this world mean something. In other words, I wanna get stuff done in this life, and be able to do the things I've always wanted to do that'll bring me joy. All that doesn't have to happen right now of course, but I do want to check things off my list before I'm done. And there's a lot! I guess I've been thinking about my mortality in the sense of "Am I making the most out of it right now" or "Am I letting petty things get in the way of what really matters to me (and frankly what I care about)".

How does this tie with midterms and stress?

Mortality has been on my mind because a few people around me have someone close to them pass away recently, or is facing the same eventuality soon. A few have someone close to them who is grieving a loss as well. I suppose it's been on the back of my mind and having been very busy the past couple of weeks, I haven't had the chance to process it all. This entry serves more as a space for me to make sense of it all rather than having anything profound to impart on the meaning of life.

I'm just gonna start rambling and let it all out: Death makes people feel guilty. Death makes people feel angry. Death feels like you were cheated. Death feels abrupt. Death feels like release. Death feels the tide coming to clean the sandy shore. Death is like the eternal hot mess that could never keep itself together. Death makes me wonder what do I do now. Death makes me think about what truly matters or at least try to figure that out. Death is everlasting. Death doesn't mean they're fully gone. Death means denial. Death is humiliating. Death is dignifying.

Death is a mystery, really. I think that's why I try to look at it from the perspective of a limited life rather than an abrupt end. The ending's too difficult and such an enigma for me to think about; living in many ways is difficult to experience but easier to try and figure out.

I've experienced death in my family before. A couple of them were violent and tragic. A couple of them were slow processes, be it natural aging or succumbing to illness. They were relatives of mine who I wasn't very intimately close with, but they were relatives I knew and tried to love nonetheless. If anything, their passing away had a huge effect on those I care about, and in a way their death then impacts me directly.

I hope that when the time comes someone really close to me does start letting go of life, I'd be able to be around them to start saying goodbye early. What do I mean by that? I wanna have the opportunity to start saying goodbye early enough that I'm able to accomplish everything I need to do for them before it's too late. It doesn't mean checking out and avoiding the subject. It means acknowledging the fact and giving it the weight that it deserves. It means not running away from it. It means being prepared for what is coming soon, and not wasting any moment of the time left.

So when that moment finally comes, it'll just mean I have memories to remember them by. The struggle after won't be any less difficult, but at least it won't be mired by overbearing regret.

And So It Begins (Again)!

2009-09-26T20:05:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in a while, boohoo. =( I have this huge list written all over my whiteboard too, but those thoughts will have to wait til I can devote the proper time for them.

This school year is shaping up pretty well. I spent around 2 hours in the bookstore trying to find the perfect planner, binder, and moleskin notebook to use for the school year. Hahaha, yes, that's two (2) hours. It's ridiculous. But sometimes, you just gotta have the perfect set of school supplies if you're gonna be with them the rest of the year. I'm terribly picky when it comes to things I am going to have for a long time. My first class of the year got out really early so I spent about an hour trying to pick a planner, which I ended up returning and grabbing the alternative anyway -the same time I spent another hour trying to pick a binder plus a little notebook for random thoughts I want to jot down and file away for review later. The last thing on my list of things to get is a new laptop bag I could use now that my computer doesn't sound like it's drilling for oil as I attempt to write a paper in a quiet library.

My classes are going to be really fun this year. Fun as in I am actually interested in them. I couldn't come up with an answer when people asked which class as I was heading to next because to me it didn't really matter. My classes this year are so intellectually stimulating for me this year that it wasn't important which class fell on which times or days, I knew I would like them all (and I do). I am taking a course load full of Sociology classes. One is the Sociology of Law and Politics, another is a Contemporary Social Problems Course. I'm taking one Sociology methods course in statistics. And finally, a class on Classical Sociology Theory. I already met a couple people in my classes, and the walk between them aren't too bad.

I haven't had a shift just yet at the LGBT Resource Center. My first one is this Monday afternoon until closing. Should be fun. I remember that my first shift as the Speakers Bureau intern back in Third Year was also a Monday night closing shift. It should be fun. =) My fellow interns are amazing! We all have our own little quirks and personalities that compliment each other. In the minimal amount of time we've spent during the summer and in training, we've all gotten pretty close quickly. We've already hung out a couple times outside of our "jobs". I can't wait to get to know them all better as the year goes by. I think part of my challenge this year is having an approach to my internship as something new, something different this time around. It's natural to compare and contrast it from previous experiences, but the past shouldn't set the standard for how I carry myself this time around -it just builds from it. Already I have a few inside jokes with each and every one of them. Natalie I've known the longest, from the first time she walked into the RC still trying to figure out herself and coming out, before she became the fierce individual she is today. Kenzie, I'm so sorry about my face. =P Mattie! The incredibly chill dude who protects me from getting sexually harassed, hahaha. There's Jamez, also known as #1, whose flare I can only wish to imitate someday. Chris, or "Margie", hahaha, who I'm glad for being down to earth and keeping it real and calling me "manong" (jerk)! Hao, who I can totally believe is a grad student because his wisdom most often surpasses what most people assume out of him. And then, there's Anthony DR, who holds a special place with me because he reminds me SO much of who I was and who I am when I first became an intern back when I was in my third year too.

One thing I love about being a "returner" though is that I'm a little bit more relaxed and chill when it comes to the professional staff. Anthony and I used to be interns together, and I'm one of the few people left who knew him as a student before he became a staff member. Our friendship still exists within our work, yet we also take good care not to abuse that familiarity in our professional work, and not to let ourselves be complacent in the team by falling into just relying on each other when there are eleven other amazing individuals who are willing to love and support us as well. It's not gonna be that hard; I'm really excited to be working with everyone!

My relationship with Jan is very different too, in a really good way. I think before, I was a little uptight because it was my first paying job ever, and I was still under that impression of "be weary of the almighty boss and supervisor". Over the course of the year my first time as an intern, I got to know Jan more as my 'ate', which is Tagalog for 'elder sister'. This time around, our relationship is more relaxed from my end, and includes a lot more crazy banter than before, LoL! We've become familiar with each other's work styles that we know when it's time for fun and play, and when it's time for serious business. I'm really glad I'm working here again, because I get to know Jan more than I did before. I'm already dreading their tendency to start saying goodbye real early... but sh*t, the year just started! Let's not jump there just yet, hahahahaha. =)

Finally there's Shaun, or Dr. Randall as I affectionately call him. I was always weary of Shaun at first, just because I was still under that "boss" impression I was in. It took a while to realize that their approach to work is unlike any other place you could possibly be employed at. They keep themselves professional, yet put a tremendous emphasis on self-care, support for each other, and team building, that in the end it doesn't feel like work anymore, it just feels like family. I think another thing that got in the way of me knowing Shaun more from before was the huge importance on punctuality. Don't get me wrong, it's a job expectation that I value and am appreciative for. It's just growing up in the Philippines, not a lot of emphasis is placed on being on time. It's always an "I'll show up AROUND this time" sorta deal. I guess it's a cultural thing, a little bit more relaxed and chill. I believe BOTH punctuality, and the relaxed approach have their own pros, as well as cons -but that's for another blog entry. Anyway, Shaun is really goofy, and that's something I can appreciate, because I definitely am too, but sometimes I get shy about it. As I sat in his office during training the other week, I noticed that he's kept ALL the bunny-turtles I ever drew for him over the years. I didn't even know it, but apparently I've been sending him a drawing of it every year for his birthday since the first time he dissed my bunny drawing as a turtle-mutant thing. I didn't expect those things to show up ever again, much less
find them taped unto his wall at work. It made me realize how much an impact we do have on each other's work together, and I'm very grateful to be working under him again too.

Anyway, that's all for now! 'Til next time. =)

Don't Open 'Til School Year Starts

2009-09-08T21:14:00.000-07:00

I've been spending the past couple weeks in what I like to call cocooning. Cocooning is when a person takes some much needed downtime to enjoy the days, spent just the way they want to spend it. It's a time of looking inward, but not in the whole introspective sorta way. Oh hellz no, hahaha! Cocooning is the time when I get to do stuff that I only want to do by myself. It's sort of a way to recharge and refresh one's self, a recentering and refocusing - it's very healing. And after having a summer full of changes for myself and everyone I surround myself with, from the mundane to the drastic, it's a much needed period of some R&R. It's very rejuvenating.

It's sort of like when Jean Grey wrapped herself in a cocoon of telekinetic energy after the huge wall of water fell on her at the end of X2, as revealed in X3 by Professor X.........Okay, maybe not, but you get the picture! It's some much needed "me" time. This is really the first summer in a long time where I had more than just a couple of weeks not to worry about taking summer school (I took one session, but Mesa is on semester system and it started WAY long before UCSD starts), or handling some bullshit immigration policy, or worrying about having to go back to the Philippines at any moment. It's nice to just have this uncluttered period of time. I figure this would be the calm before the storm of the new academic year.

So what have I been doing? "Nothing" really. =) That's the point of cocooning. I've been redecorating my side of the room a lot after moving stuff around. I've been cleaning here and there but not stressing too much about it. Everything's neater for once in a LONG time here in the apartment. I like the set up of the room. I put up more decorations, and placed all my little trinkets up on my bookshelf. Overall it's still a work in progress, but it's getting there. Pretty soon my side of the room will really turn into my safe haven from everything else.

I've been reconnecting and touching base with people that I love and used to see all the time, but haven't hung out with or spoken to in a while. I see Brandon, Guy, and Chris more often than I've gotten to in the past year. It's a refreshing take in that even though a lot of change has happened, some things stay relatively the same, and I can still count on the people I rely on a lot in my years here.

I've been finding the time to talk to my family more, and be more comfortable to talk about the little things I usually don't tell them about. It's those little things I find myself needing to talk to them about since it's the daily quirks that show who I am, a chance they haven't gotten to see in almost three years now since I last saw my family in person. I'm more comfortable telling them what I need, but also being able to talk to them about what THEY need. My Dad and I had a recent conversation about how the Galuras are a family whose communication skills are lacking. We don't check in with each other often, and we definitely try to keep how we're feeling to ourselves. I feel that in the past couple years I've worked on this a lot and have made improvements. Recently I find myself in a position where I don't mind just getting straight to the point and asking my family how THEY are doing and not letting them get away without an answer for me. I'm slowly letting myself BE myself around my family.

Hmm... what else? I've been hanging around my apartmentmates more! Now that everyone seems to have a collective downtime, we tend to spend a lot more time just relaxing around the newly rearranged and cleaned living room. It's much more open and inviting to lounge around in. I have been hanging out a lot with their friends, whom I can honestly say are my friends too. Yay meeting new people! Most of them are in KP (Kaibigang Pilipino), and it's great to hang out with other Filipin@s (Filipino/Filipina). I feel that my ethnic identity is a part of me that gets compromised a lot and left behind when I'm in other circles. The questions I get nowadays when I tell people I'm an international student from the Philippines is "Ooooh, you speak fluently, how come you don't have an accent" instead of "Ooooh, what's it like growing up in the Philippines and how is it different from the US". A great deal of who I am and how I act is grounded in my experiences growing up in a third world country. I'll have to expand on this more some other time.

I've also been exercising more and feel really great. I have a lot more endurance, more so than before. I've been swimming regularly and challenging myself with that. I've been taking care of myself more in both the physical, emotional, and mental self. I used to run and workout every other day, and I used to play volleyball everyday too. I miss being physically active. I miss playing volleyball -no one else seems to want to play or pepper for more than a couple minutes. It's been a while since I've played an intense game of six on six. My swimming endurance has vastly improved these past couple weeks though! Hahaha, and adding more to my natural tan is always a plus. =)

The one thing I've really been focusing on the past month is food budgeting. For the month of August I spent tracking how much money I spend on food, whether that be dining in, eating out, grabbing drinks, or whatnot. August I spent really trying to prepare food at home rather than buying it from outside, and controlling how much I spend. Cooking is SO much cheaper! I've been spending way more than I'm allotted for food the past couple months, but in August I actually spent less than what I'm allotted. I probably saved myself around $100-$120 or so. Maybe even more since I've been entertaining guests and sharing with my apartmentmates when I cook in bulk. =)

We've started training as interns for the LGBT RC this year. Working at the RC again should be fun and fulfilling. I'm finally getting a new laptop! After having tolerated and worked with my problematic one for six years, it's nice to know I'll have one soon that won't sound like it's drilling for oil, or overheats, or gets warning messages about some hardware, or shuts down on itself, or slows down, or doesn't turn on, or can't connect to the internet, or has no working CD/DVD drive, or have its AC adapter BURSTS INTO FLAME.... you get the picture. It needs to retire. =) I'm learning new Filipino recipes from my Mom once in a while that I still need to try out. My side of the room is all nice and neat and comforting as it should be -the retreat it was meant to be.

Overall, there's not much to complain about in life...probably because not much is happening but I'm okay with that. I have a feeling pretty soon things will start to pick up when the school year begins, but at least for now, my little butterfly-self can stay wrapped up in rest and relaxation.

Allergens and Memories Galore!

2009-08-18T14:43:00.001-07:00

I haven't written on here in weeks, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten about this! The past two weeks have just been hectic with panels to facilitate, an apartment to clean, rooms to move, people to visit, admissions applications to fill in, exams to study for, etc, etc -you get the picture.

I'll make this a real quick one. I do have a lengthy entry coming soon that's been in draft mode for a week and a half now.

So here I am cleaning and reorganizing all my possessions here in the US. I'm quite the hoarder, and keep a ton of objects and items that are sentimental to me, no matter how obscure or abstract the connection to a memory may be. Point is, I keep a lot of crap.

After taking my allergy meds and putting on my respirator (yes I did put a gas mask on to clean and no I am not insane), I embark on my journey sifting through dusts and memories alike. Long story short, of course it's always amazing what one can find through these cleaning trips. It's interesting to note which memories I wanted to keep an object for. Apparently I kept a lot of paper notes (some even on paper napkins, thanks to Christina). I also kept old photographs, letters, decorations I made, drawings, etc. Just like reading through an old journal, it's amazing to see how much I've changed, at the same time be surprised to see how I am still the same.

I think the best part is having the pile of precious junk I have mean I lived out some pretty awesome experiences. It's really interesting how certain objects can help ignite long forgotten memories. The remembering is definitely worth the sneezing.

Food For Thought, With A Little Bit of Blood Splatter

2009-08-03T23:26:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking of learning how to cook more dishes since I've pretty much exhausted the list of things I know how to make (which is, like, five dishes -max), I am tired of eating out, and it's more economical on my college student budget. The result? Tonight, I successfully baked a chicken breast with creole seasoning and some red baby potatoes AND they were edible! Woot woot!

The whole cooking thing is just part of the many things I want to improve on about myself. For the past few weeks (and, to an extent, months) I've let myself get too entrenched in schoolwork, socializing, and stressing out about family and immigration stuff that I haven't really been able to take care of myself. It's as if I was living from one moment to the next, with no real downtime. It was hard to be present in the moment when my mind was always making lists of things I needed to turn in or get signed, or books to read, or phone calls to make, or chores to do, lest I get deported from the country, be unprepared for discussion, get reprimanded, or have no clean pair of boxer briefs to wear. And yes, I prefer boxer briefs over boxers or briefs. It's the best of both worlds!!!

Anyway, I digress.

I had lots of fun and enjoyed myself along the way; don't get me wrong. It's just I've been meaning to put some order back into chaos in the way I live. It seems through the hustle and bustle of being Redentor P Galura Jr, I've disregarded and ignored a few things that made me happy. Nothing too major. They're just the little eccentric and not so eccentric things that I enjoyed doing just by myself, for the sake of me. For example, I used to be a neat freak -the kind who would shank you in the kidney and twist it 45 degrees for leaving a piece of lint on my carpet, but I would restrain myself because your blood splatters would be worse. Freshman year and second year of college my room, minus the occasional cram session or final, would always be pristine. The bed would be made, the laundry would be done, the desk would be clear. Now my room looks like I'm doing a garage sale straight from a bodega. Actually, I've seen cleaner yards sales than my room. In short, my current room is a mess, and it bothers me that it doesn't bother me. I've grown accustomed to the jungle of unfolded laundry, uncleaned cereal bowls, comics, and papers, which sprung around me. If I find a baby boy under the textbook sprawled by my bed, I'll have to name him TarzAmerican Politics, an Introduction, 5th Edition.

The first pic was of my first year room. The one right above is from second year.

I also used to work out regularly. And play sports a lot. And go on amazing hikes. And run up the stairs to my apartment. In short, I used to be more physically active, and healthy. I loved the feeling. I love having energy. I haven't been able to be as active save for the swim workouts I recently went on every other day. A bout of the Babe Flu, and the onset of summer school put an end to that.

If anything, I'm doing it more for my own sake, viewing it more as a back-to-basics of who I am, rather than a drastically improving myself (though the shift in gears to something more familiar, more me, will only lead to good things). What do they say? A less cluttered room leads to a less cluttered mind, ja? Maybe it was the other way around. Either way, I don't want to get into writing about self-improvement because I want to devote another entry just for that, though I suppose I am going through a phase of self-improving at the moment.

In short, I'm glad that I cooked a new dish tonight, something I've been meaning to get around doing. As I type, my laundry is just about done in the washer and needs to be put in the dryer. Even this blog, which I've been meaning to start for months, is coming along sweetly. I suppose ever since starting this blog, all the other things I've been meaning to get on top of are slowly falling into place. My goal: start exercising again, cook and prepare meals for myself more often, keep my room clean and do laundry WAY more often, and do more planning ahead for my academics and life in general.

And now that I've procrastinated enough by typing this entry, I guess I should also start studying for my finals this Thursday............

Hey! No one said investing in self-improvement had to be immediate, right? Don't make me shank you; it won't get cleaned for a while.

=)

One Million Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Employees Have Served in McDonald's

2009-07-31T20:54:00.000-07:00

This was written on the underside of coaster's Cary got at SD Pride from Servicemembers Legal Defense Network: "One million lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender Americans have served in our armed forces. Yet, the Pentagon fires 2 people every day for being gay". While I'm pretty sure that "one million" and "2 people every day" are probably approximations, it led me to wonder what the number of LGBT servicemembers might actually be closer to.

Don't get me wrong; this isn't criticism or judgment of their methods. Heck, they're doing amazing work in trying to repeal the self-defeating policy that is Don't Ask Don't Tell. I'm pretty sure there have been at least one million, if not more LGBT folks who have served in the army. I'm just wondering how they arrived at those numbers, and what sociological variables there are that determine and influence the influx of LGBT people joining the armed forces. So, here's the attempt at coherence.

I'm assuming one method they used was getting as accurate a number as they can for the total number of people who ever served in the United States of America's armed forces, and then getting 10% of that total in line with Dr. Kinsey's Reports (the usual reference used for the approximate number of LGBT individuals in the world).

Hmm.... I don't know how accurate that might be for at least three reasons:

When did they start counting servicemembers? From the beginning of the American Revolution? From the Articles of Confederation? From the ratification of the Constitution? From when they started airing American Idol? I guess I'm just being picky, but choosing a starting point definitely affects the total number.
Dr. Kinsey's Reports of 10% was also just an approximation at best. It's the number used for people who've had exclusive same-sex sexual partners for at least a number of years during a period in their lives. This means that these individuals may or may not have identified as LGBT, and may or may not have continued to have same-sex experiences, either earlier or after that period. And since sexual orientation is fluid and can change throughout our lifetime anyway (at least, that's what I believe), the percentage is subject to even more fluctuation.
Even if 10% was accurate for the general population, I doubt that these numbers are represented and stable in all divisions of labor. The ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, class, and other significant identities which affect people's social status in the US, are disproportionately spread within professions.

It's the third point which got me thinking more about the whole thing. I wonder what the number of LGBT people in the armed forces might actually be because growing up, people are socialized differently depending on the identities we appropriate. That socialization has profound effects on, amongst other things, our behavior, our actions, our life experiences, and the choices we make -including which profession we decide to enter later in life.

For example, though women make up a little over half of the general populace, women disproportionately comprise the nursing and teaching fields in this country. Congress is suppose to be representative of the people they serve, with the procedures for tenure and election of the House of Representatives putting them closer to the wishes of the people than the Senate is. With 435 seats available in the House, approximately 235 of those should be occupied by women. Approximately 54 of the 100 Senate seats should be occupied by women. In 2009, there were only 74 women in the House. Only 17 of Senators are women -the record number apparently.

Women have been traditionally socialized and encouraged (more like discouraged) into certain professions, turning into a form of self-fulfilling prophecy for those who buy into gender stereotypes. Symoblic interactionists in the sociology of education will tell you that ability is not so much inherent, but learned. What that means is that no matter one's disposition for intelligence, it's the amount of time that teachers and other authority figures invest in a child's education and the impressions they leave that will influence performance. This is where the self-fulfilling prophecy comes in. If girls are told that they won't do well in the math and sciences, and some irresponsible teacher also believes that's true, then do you think that teacher will spend as much time investing in the girls' education, let alone encourage them to take higher tracks or be placed in Advanced Placement for those courses? Thanks goodness for Critical Pedagogy.

With all that being said, I'm sure the army demographics LGBT-wise are pretty skewed, and that LGBT people are socialized very differently as well. So how many queers are their in the armed forces? Well, with DODT still in place, we will probably really never know.

I don't remember when the first time I ever heard of Don't Ask Don't Tell was, but I do recall my first significant encounter with LGBT veterans. It was back in April, 2006 in the Spring Quarter of my second year. The Call of Duty Tour, a panel comprised of LGBT-identified veterans discharged from service for being themselves, was ending their nationwide travel with one last gathering at UCSD.

I regret having forgotten their names, but their stories are left with me. These awesome peeps were highly skilled in intelligence, medicine, counterterrorism, and language translations. I was surprised that most of them served openly within their unit, with peers who were very accepting and didn't give a damn about their sexual orientation. They shared an oft repeated message their peers told them each time the issue came up: "In the middle of a fight, when you've got a gun, can shoot it, AND you got my back?!?... I don't give a f*ck who you're sleeping with". It's unfortunate that the skills and expertise they could have offered are lost because some jackass wanted a promotion, or got their sexual advances refused so they seek revenge, or got into one petty argument and betrayed their trust. Actually -scratch that, it's not unfortunate. It's unjust. We all know bad luck has nothing to do with it when these highly qualified service members are not able to protect their country anymore.

Since then, I've met a few people here in San Diego who openly serve within their unit as well. But don't get complacent about the issue. I imagine it's hard living everyday knowing that if you pissed off the wrong person, or a superior of a superior finds out, or a new person joins who just isn't getting it, you could lose it all. Nonetheless, it's admirable to me to be out in the military environment. I can only hope to be just as out and proud in my future workplace, and not be penalized for it.

It's very difficult to change the social status of LGBT folk in the US for the better, especially when the government symbolically officially sanctions discrimination with policies like Don't Ask Don't Tell, Defense of Marriage Act, immigration and naturalization laws, as well as a host of other legislation which don't offer the same privileges to LGBT peeps as it does to straight peeps.

Oh well. In the words of the great contemporary philosopher, Leona Lewis, it'll all get better in time.

Playing Philospher While Defecating

2009-07-28T12:50:00.000-07:00

edit: I fixed the link to my Xanga site. For those curious to see what I meant by my foolish entries, it should work now.

After wanting to start another online journal of sorts, I've finally decided to launch one. Hurray! Too bad redentor.blogspot.com was already taken.

My goal is to make this blog have deeper content than my previous one. My Xanga almost captures most of the excitement, hopes, bliss, sorrow, and challenges that encompassed the first two years of my college experiences at UCSD. Though it served its purpose in chronicling my life then (often making me laugh at my own foolishness and silliness the moments I spend online reminsicing), my Xanga ended up being a series of rambling notes which sometimes don't even make sense to me anymore. I guess that is just the nature of any journal. One can only capture snipets of life with inconsistent journal entries.

Don't get me wrong; I still plan on basing my entries around events that occured in my day which warrant some writing to be done. The difference is I want to write about the stuff people think and reflect about with things that happened in the course of their day which then shape their principles or values, in lieu of putting together something that sounds like it's just a collection of Facebook status updates rolled into one giant entry. No more "Red Galura had Lucky Charms for breakfast this morning. Then I went hiking. My tamagotchi hatched just now! I need to poo." And speaking of poo, I want to write about the kind of things people think about when they are taking a relaxing shower, taking a long drive, or just plain taking a dump. I want to focus on the things that go through people's minds when they're lying in bed, moments away from slipping into slumber. The kind of stuff that people talk about while at the cliffs, at sleepovers, or relaxing at the beach. So instead of writing "Today I sat next to this guy with a freakin' hot body", I'd blog about the Adonis Complex in men, the ways my own body image issues manifest, or maybe the struggles of staying healthy.

Of course, where's the fun in that?!? I don't want to be all serious all the time. Occassionally (okay, more like more often than not) I will write about something that stood out during the course of my days that's just fun, something that's more along the lines of that glorified Facebook status update -maybe a movie a saw or a song I heard. Nonetheless, I already have a list of blog ideas I want to write about since the moment I thought of starting one again. The list includes things like hate crimes and fear, race and privilege, beauty versus character, false sense of love in Disney, the human body, and appropriated identities, amongst other things.

I'm really excited! I don't imagine entries coming in at a steady rate, but at least I hope I do write something substantial regularly. After all, anyone who spends too much time in their heads needs a blog! Here's to the entries born from sitting on the toilet.